Has been a long while since my last post because I was tied down with work. Not only that, my life has taken a huge turn. I screwed up big time.
I was contemplating if I should write this post because as a Life Coach/Trainer, my life is supposed to be nice and balanced. My life is supposed to have minimal mistakes, and minimal drama. I am supposed to be an inspiration to others, yet I screwed up big time because of my decisions.
Writing this post, puts my career at stake. I may lose some clients, some may turn away from me. But I don’t want to be a Life Coach who only delivers the good news or shows only the good side. I prefer to show the human side and the vulnerable side of me. That’s why I am writing this to show you my biggest screwed up in life.
As I am writing this post, I am still in the rut, in the lowest point of my life. This isn’t the first time that I was down, but never to this level that my friend mentioned that I showed signs of depression.
I committed infidelity and then I divorce my wife. I owned it up as I didn’t want to continue cheating on her.
I dumped my wife into the valley of darkness, leaving her there alone to feel the pain of separation. I am an unfaithful husband, and I already received my share of judgments.
The 3rd party allows me to examine my marriage under a microscope. Understanding how another person can infiltrate my marriage without difficulty. It serves as a great a-ha moment not to repeat the same mistake.
Life should be good, isn’t it? I am supposed to create a new life with my new girlfriend. But no, this was where it all came crashing down.
New girlfriend left me 6 weeks after we officially started our relationship. Irony now, I was thrown into the valley of darkness, and left alone. Devastated, alone and lost. My life force was being sapped out of me. Did God plays a trick on me – the new girlfriend did what I did to my wife? I am experiencing exactly what my wife is going through.
For the next 4 weeks after the break-up, downward spiralling from the valley of darkness to the valley of death. I’ve never experience this kind of pain that last so long in my whole life. At this point, I am willing to pay a lot of money to anyone who can remove this pain.
I’m spiralling downwards, and it’s like stepping into quicksand, getting pulled in deeper and deeper. Everyday I got sadder and sadder.
All the motivational talks aren’t working. Anyone who says to me, “just let go, move on. Why are you holding on?” I showed them the middle finger.
When I cried for no reason while walking on the street, I knew I was in trouble. When I slept 3 hours a day, and didn’t feel tired at all, I knew I was having sleeping disorder. When I woke up in the middle of the night thinking of jumping or when I am putting myself in a position waiting for accident to happen, I knew very well that I was in the beginning stage of depression.
Though all the motivational talks are not working, I was glad that I attended all the personal development seminars, and being a Life Coach certainly helps. Because I’m very aware of what was happening to me, I was aware of my depressing thoughts. At least that kept me sane.
While penning this down, this pain is lingering inside waiting to explode again. The good thing that came out of it is, I now know how depression feels like. I would be able to empathise with clients who are in a similar situation.
I will continue to write about how am I doing. I will get out of this, I will.