This is the continuation of the depression post. Suicidal thoughts surfacing, I reviewed my insurance policy to ensure everything is in place for my parents.
The emotional pain was too much to bear, and had to be translated to physical pain. Yes I was hurting myself physically. I rolled on the floor, wailed, with the tears bursted out uncontrollable. I couldn’t stop that emotional pain, I need help.
I couldn’t take it anymore, I would really kill myself if I were to stay at home in isolation for one more hour. I knew I needed help, so finally contacted 2 close friends for support.
And then I started to share more to other friends. Some offered support, some offered a listening ear, some offered permanent help.
From the day that I called for help, I’ve been hanging out with these 2 friends very often. There are also a few more who take turns to accompany me, ensuring that I was not alone and safe. And then there was one who committed a day of her week to accompany me permanently.
On those days when no one was with me, I would loiter out on the street till late night, afraid of going home to face the 4 walls alone. I was so afraid to feel the pain again, yet the pain was always there.
Fortunately, this method somehow did work. Hanging out with friends every night, talking about it, crying it out left me tired by the time I reached home. And all I wanted to do was to sleep.
Amazingly, healing started when I was talking about my depression with different people. Everyday I got better and better. As I am writing this now, I no longer have suicidal thought. The sadness still lingered around, but I am now safe to be alone. The crying stops though I’m not completely healed yet.
Through this episode I’m glad there are friends who really care, who really gave their time to support me.
From this episode, I discovered that I can connect with myself so readily right now. I am able to feel what’s going on inside compared to the past. I truly believe this will make me a better Coach who can coach from the heart rather than just from the mind.
Thank you to those whom have help me through this tough journey.
In the next post, I am going to write about how this episode actually helped me in a coaching session.